How "Used To…" Is Keeping Us Stuckifyed
When longing for the past becomes the thing standing in the way
“Used to…”
“We used to…” It used to be…”
Lately, I’ve been hearing this phrase a lot. And as a researcher, when I identify a pattern, my brain goes “ooohhhh what’s happening here”.
So, I’ve been thinking about why “used to…” has become prevalent in our language.
Those two words point back to something that is long gone…a world that no longer exists. And our current world, well, let's face it, right now it's overwhelming. Everything feels harder. Takes longer.
The One Truth
Things are harder than they used to be, and we cannot do anything about that. What we do have control over is what happens from this point forward. And that starts with understanding why we are where we are.
The world has changed. But we insist on playing by the old rules. And those rules make everything harder. It’s like we are playing chess using the rules of checkers and wondering why we aren’t winning.
The One Insight
There are two forces at play here that cause us to operate this way.
First, for the past 40 years (give or take), we have been operating in the VUCA world. Then at the start of the decade, in 2020, the world changed. We moved into the BANI world. However, this isn’t a replacement; it is a layering. So, now we exist in a world that is:
Volatile + Brittle
Uncertain + Anxious
Complex + Nonlinear
Ambiguous + Incomprehensible
We had barely learned how to navigate the VUCA world, and now we have to learn to operate in BANI. But most of the world hasn’t even realized that the world has changed, so we continue to operate as if we were only dealing with VUCA conditions. So, yes, things are harder today, but that’s because we keep insisting on playing by the old rules.
Secondly, our brain wiring isn’t helping us here. Rosy retrospection is the tendency to remember the past more positively than we actually experienced it. Those are the bumps in the road, the all-nighters, the disastrous meetings; they all get glossed over. Before filing those away in our long-term memory, our brains do a little editing, think of it like a highlight reel where some filters are used to make everything look Insta-worthy.
And yes, I know it sounds like I am arguing both sides. But that’s often where reality sits…not in the extremes but in the middle. So, the past wasn’t as good as we remember it to be, and life has, in lots of ways, gotten harder.
Insight into Action
Time moves in one direction…forward. And sitting around thinking about how good it was back then … how good things “used to be,” isn’t going to make them better. My go-to move for breaking through this pattern of thinking.
First, learn to recognize the “used to…” language.
Then ask, What do you want instead?
Change starts with how we talk. The language we use shapes our thoughts, which influence our behavior. So, the more we talk about how to make things better, the more we will move towards that. The more our brains will start to look for opportunities and see them. This isn’t magical and won’t change things overnight…rather it is a starting point.
Get Unstuckifyed
“Used to…” language is our brains trying to find comfort in a world that is constantly shifting. And that makes sense. When we are stressed, we want comfort. But, we need to remember that the “used to…” we are reaching for wasn’t as great as we remember it to be.
Til Next Time
Remember, the past isn’t coming back. The game has changed, and we must learn the new rules. Otherwise, everything will continue to feel challenging. We cannot play chess with the rules of checkers.
Better is possible, and it starts with shifting our language.
Thanks for getting Unstuckifyed with me.
Dr Dani